Dear Fokkusu Makuraudo,

I want you to come here and make everything okay, but I have no reason to believe that you will do that...So I am counting down these last two hours until you are free to go, just to count something, just to have some sense of time. I know that you are going to come here and not see me like I want. I already know I need too much. I'm sorry.

I want to invest myself in something before I destroy myself because I can only keep from picking at my imperfections and pulling myself apart when I am attempting to unravel someone else, but then once I do I have to move on. I would like to set to work on your so that I don't kill myself accidentally, but I can't see how it would be worth anything.

I am always betrayed & betraying & sick & stupid & seldom sorry, but beautiful & ready to fuck at any given moment, even when I want to disappear or die, even right now.

I am different but the same. I'm always changing but not seriously. You'll understand if you want to.

My teeth look clean when they are not. I chew a lot of gum. Drink a lot of water, never alcohol. Sometimes I don't need to eat because I am too good for food, but I am never too good for water. Sometimes I don't deserve anything and feel sick to my stomach.

I get away with a lot of tricks, some dirty, some clean. I am always very amused at my own cleverness after this happens.

When I'm quiet I am either soft & sad or very mean & trying to keep it secret.

I make plans in my head and forget that the people I love don't know how to read my mind. I get mad, especially when I'm tired, when I realize that they still don't know how to read my thoughts. They will probably never know.

I like to wonder if I know what love is. I think about love more than I think about God. I think about dying a lot, too. I think about the past and the future when I have to, which is more than I would like to.

I know that you're not going to want me like I will want you to. Maybe you will fuck me, and maybe you will like fucking me and then you will keep seeing me, but why would you ever want someone like me? Why would someone ever want a fuckup like me who just needs & needs & takes? I would give everything I have, but I would take it all from you first. Things you can't get back.

I don't know what love is. I just want someone to kiss me on the head. Tell me it's okay. I really do want it to be okay.

Oh, je t'aime.

I love too much.