I’m trying hard to remember what it is about you in particular that makes my heart sink when you come to mind now, years later.
All I know is that when I add it all up—your incessant lying, your emotional manipulation, the fact that you weren’t even two-faced but at least three- or four-faced—I don’t like you at all.
This leads me to believe that whatever it is that exists in me that still feels anything for any part of you has much more to do with me than it does with you.
Why is there still a part of me that wants to love someone as hollow-hearted as you? Why is there a part of me that wants someone who doesn’t treat me like I’m human? How can I find this part of me and smother her?
I haven’t found the answer, but I’m searching, ready with weapons at hand, just in case I find her, my sadistic side, so that I can relish in murdering her and breaking the curse that binds me to you.
Hope you're well.
—J
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