The Daily Commute

Thinking about turning my experiences going to and from work in New Orleans into a short collection of comics:

Giant man: Damn gurl, what I gotta do to get in there?
Me: Well, there's actually no "there" to get into. I don't have a vagina. Sorry.
Giant man: I know you not tellin' me you a dude. 
Me: No, I just don't have genitals. Boating accident when I was a kid. Long story.
(Beat.) 
Giant man: So, I can't get in there then?
Me: Yeah, no, it's like a Barbie doll down there. No vagina. 
Giant man: Oh… Okay. 
(Man says nothing else to me and we wait for the bus in silence.) 

**** 

Man smoking a cigarette: Hey girl, what's your name?
Me: Alice.
Man: Can I take you out some time, Alice? We could get some drinks, I could take you out, take you to The Moon.
Me: (Horrified look on face) No, I vowed never to go back to space again. It's too dangerous out there.
Man: Not like the moon moon, The Moon, that place on Tulane Avenue.
Me: HA! You think I'm gonna fall for that? Not this time! Who are you working for?
Man: Oh, you crazy, huh?
Me: You can tell your boss he'll never take me alive. (Quickly walks away, suspiciously peering over shoulder every few seconds)

****

Waiting for the bus. A 30something-year-old woman with a blonde buzz cut wearing men's swimming trunks and a Hawaiian shirt approaches. 
Woman: I'll trade you my outfit for that dress you're wearing.
Me: Okay.
Woman: Alright, we'll do it real quick right here. 
(She lifts up her shirt and then reconsiders.) 
Woman: J/K, I'M DRUNK!!!!!!!!
(She runs away.)
Me: (to myself) I don't know who you are, drunk swimming trunks lady, but I hope that someday you will return to me, for you made off with my heart.

****

So, I don't know about you, ladyfriends, but when I'm biking and a man blares his car horn at me and then shouts to inform me that he wants to lick the sweat from my body, I usually go home and fantasize about marrying him. Marrying him, learning to cook for him, bearing him a son that he adores, and then on his birthday preparing a romantic feast for him. As he joyfully stuffs his face, he'll say, "Darling, this is delicious! Is it lamb?" And I'll shake my head. "Rabbit?" He'll ask. I'll shake my head again. "What is it? It's so juicy and tender." And then I will laugh like only a completely psychotic woman can and inform him that he's eating his son.
Just kidding! I love it when men scare the fuck out of me by honking at me and then scream obscene shit at me when I'm just trying to get home.

****

Forgive me Lord for I have sinned. I walked outside today and found a man in an I  Jesus shirt holding a cross and a megaphone preaching. He gave me an elevator look.
Jesus Freak: Ma'am, you're going to attract the wrong kind of attention in that outfit.
Me: How do you know what kind of attention I want to attract?
Jesus Freak: Men are going to approach you for the wrong reasons.
Me: Thank god I'm a dyke then. 

****

To the man who pulled over on the side of the road and shouted, "I own a clothing line, and you girls look like you could be my models," to my friend and I as we walked to her bike: You interrupted an excellent conversation about the objectification of women.

****

Dear man in the parking lot who asked me if I like to party and then tried to win me over by spraying me with Ed Hardy perfume when I said, "Not with you,"
Ladies don’t like that.
Sincerely, me

****

The Public Transportation Diaries 

8:40 Have arrived at bus stop 10 minutes early. Today will be a good day.
8:45 Maybe the bus will even come early and then I'll be early for work and everything will be wonderful.
8:50 Bus should be coming any time now.
8:51 Any time now...
8:52 Any time now............
8:55 Maybe it isn't coming at all.
8:56 Maybe the buses just aren't running today at all. Maybe it's a holiday that I don't know about.
8:58 (brief google search) No holiday, maybe there's been some sort of horrible national tragedy.
9:00 Maybe this is the apocalypse.
9:01 Maybe I should ask someone.
(looks around for someone to ask, no one is around)
9:03 Oh god, this is the apocalypse. Everyone is dead. What am I gonna do?
9:05 If I use that branch there, maybe I can break the window of that hardware store and get tools for the apocalypse.
9:06 I'll need nail guns, duct tape... How am I gonna carry this? Maybe they'll have wheelbarrows...
9:10 I should just take everything I possibly can so I can use it for weapon making and bartering for food later.
9:12 Maybe it would be better to break into the Walgreens first. They have medicine and food.
9:13 But what if there are armed people in there? I need weapons first.
9:14 But what if there are armed people in the hardware store?
9:15 There will probably be saws on hand. I can just grab a saw and it'll be fine.
9:16 How heavy are chainsaws? Do they need to be assembled?
9:17 May need to work on upper body strength before I attempt to wield a chain saw... Push ups!
9:18 (Bus arrives) Oh thank god.