True or False: It is okay to eat an entire box of frozen waffles for breakfast
as long as you do not eat lunch or dinner and no one is around to see you do
it.
True or False: Lying is only okay if it is part of a grander
scheme to make someone feel bad who made you feel bad first. Lies that take the
blame off you so you don't get fired, arrested, etc. are also acceptable. White
lies are alright, too, if you can’t think of something funny to say.
True or False: It is acceptable to steal from department stores because
they are not people with feelings or mortgages or children to feed.
True or False: Self-mutilation is so punk rock.
True or False: If you’re not sure if it’s a shirt or a dress, you should
wear it as a dress and gauge how much attention you get to find your
answer.
True or False: Spicy foods should be avoided, as they will burn coming
back up, which will mean your eyes will tear up, which will mean your mascara
will run, which will mean you’ll look like you were crying, which will mean
that nobody will want to fuck you because you’ll look like an emotional
disaster.
True or False: Don’t shit where you eat. Meaning, don’t steal from your work place, don’t fuck your
coworkers, don’t let your manager make copies of the security tape of you
fucking him against the drink machine, etc.
True of False: Friends don’t fuck friends’ boyfriends, even if the
friend in question is in an abusive relationship and needs a concrete reason to
leave him.
True or False: If your stomach is growling loudly during your lemon
ginger cleanse diet, it is acceptable to slap your well-meaning friend who
makes a joke about hearing whale songs every time you walk by.
True or False: It is morally permissible to fuck your best friend’s ex-boyfriend
if you and he are both drunk and you’re pretty sure that there’s no way she
could ever possibly find out about it.
True or False: It not is acceptable to call your best friend a
“disease-ravaged cunt,” even if she does, in fact, have Chlamydia, and she is,
in fact, acting like a cunt.
True or False: It is okay to scratch your best friends’ eyes out when
you test positive for Chlamydia and your boyfriend is the only person you’ve
fucked in recent memory.
True or False: If it doesn’t hurt, you’re not doing it right.
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