Ingredients:
*
Three vanilla-scented candles
*
Lack of shame
*
Gray paint
*
2 lbs. morality
*
Claws like kitchen knives
*
Teeth yanked from the mouth of a vampire at rest
*
3 pints virgin blood
*
Full moon
*
Small bottle of lighter fluid
*
Matches
*
Franziafranziafranzia
*
Empty lipstick tubes
*
Mason jar
*
An arsenal of Siouxie Sioux songs
*
Cinnamon (optional)
Instructions:
1. Finely chop morality and place in frying pan
heated to medium-high.
2. Stir in gray paint. Reduce heat to low once morality is completely coated and cover. Let simmer for 20 minutes and then place in refrigerator.
3. Heat virgin blood in microwave for five minutes or until bubbling. Set aside.
4. Crush teeth, claws, and lack of shame into fine powder, adding cinnamon to taste.
5. Combine hot virgin blood with powder while humming any Joan Jett song.
6. Cover mixture and let sit overnight or until congealed.
7. Pour chilled gray morality over congealed virgin’s blood mixture while three scented candles burn and Siouxie Sioux songs play.
8. Store mixture in refrigerator.
9. On full moon, remove mixture and mash with bare hands until soft.
10. Force mixture into empty lipstick tubes. Paint your lips with it. Coat your eyelids. Cover your cheek-bones warrior-princess-style.
11. Chug Franzia from a Mason jar until your insides feel warm and your limbs feels loose.
12. Using matches and lighter fluid, set fire to your feet and dance until the flame climbs and grabs your hair and you can’t feel your legs.
13. Wait.
2. Stir in gray paint. Reduce heat to low once morality is completely coated and cover. Let simmer for 20 minutes and then place in refrigerator.
3. Heat virgin blood in microwave for five minutes or until bubbling. Set aside.
4. Crush teeth, claws, and lack of shame into fine powder, adding cinnamon to taste.
5. Combine hot virgin blood with powder while humming any Joan Jett song.
6. Cover mixture and let sit overnight or until congealed.
7. Pour chilled gray morality over congealed virgin’s blood mixture while three scented candles burn and Siouxie Sioux songs play.
8. Store mixture in refrigerator.
9. On full moon, remove mixture and mash with bare hands until soft.
10. Force mixture into empty lipstick tubes. Paint your lips with it. Coat your eyelids. Cover your cheek-bones warrior-princess-style.
11. Chug Franzia from a Mason jar until your insides feel warm and your limbs feels loose.
12. Using matches and lighter fluid, set fire to your feet and dance until the flame climbs and grabs your hair and you can’t feel your legs.
13. Wait.
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